May Angels Lose Their Heads

It’s only half past 10

But my thoughts are spinning again.

Head’s veering off the tracks

At what seems like 75 miles per hour.

I don’t know how much more I can take

But I’ve gotten through this much

So go on,

Press the buttons.

Let’s see what I can do.

Just keep pushing.

Hopefully you’ll find the one

That completely shuts me down.

You call me an angel

And expect me to be perfect.

Well, here’s some news for ya:

Angels lose their heads.

You’ve tried to control things

Not even I can control.

You don’t realize that

The moves you make

Are building a wall

Around my so called

Beautiful mind.

You dance around my emotions

When we’re face-to-face,

But behind my back

You slash them to threads.

Making me more unstable

Than I’ve ever been.

I don’t wish for change

But lately that’s all you’ve placed on the table.

I’m not the first to lose their head.

I’m only one of many.

Just remember.

Angels lose their heads.

Suicide Note

I’ve been dead for quite some time

Haven’t been thinking quite that straight

My inner workings aren’t quite right

It’s like my heart’s beating

But where’s the sound?

No being in this life.

I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused

With only being fine.

I’m sorry that I keep pushing

You all away.

I’m sorry that I let it get this far at all.

I wish I could be that happy girl you once knew.

I wish I coulda just been happy at all.

I wish that I coulda lived just one more day

Pretending I was all right.

But there are pieces missing

After they’ve all been broken.

I was a shattered,

Tattered, mess.

Let this be goodbye.

Let this be the last thing you hear from me.

Let this be all I need to say.

Don’t go crying over me,

I was useless anyways.

No job.

No money.

Nothing in my future.

Just forget about me.

Be the okay that I would never be.

Be there for someone else

The way I was never there for you.

Be whatever you want,

But,

In my death,

Promise me this.

Promise me that you will be alive,

Don’t just go on like I did.

BE in the moment and

LIVE.

Dark

It’s a quarter past three,

But I don’t wanna sleep.

I’m sinking,

Drowning,

On thoughts.

Thoughts that clutter my mind all day,

Until F I N A L L Y

They can release themselves

Into the dark abyss that is my bedroom,

My hallowed place.

Like moths to flame,

The thoughts begin to multiply.

The good,

The bad,

The scary.

All playin’ out in whatever crevices of my conscience,

And unconscience,

Can be found

As the night hours

D W I N D L E on.

Others, sleeping,

Not allowed the pleasure

Of my quiet screams

And pleads for help.

For someone,

Something,

To light a path out

Of the black

And crowded corners

Of my nook

In this gargantuan world.

I wait,

Fighting,

Battling,

Struggling,

With myself

For the day

That someone

Will come

And take them

Away.

Lock them up

And throw away

The K E Y.

For peace

To sweep over me

And

Bring light into my dungeon.

Gone

I look around and see all these beautiful people and I feel like they’re all perfect, even those who’ve made me mad or hurt me. Then when I look in the mirror or look at photos of myself, I just… I don’t know. I want to rips myself apart. Replace my hair, reduce my legs and belly and arms. Photoshop my face so there’s not so much acne. No matter how many times I hear somebody tell me “you’re so pretty” or “you’re so beautiful,” I won’t believe it because I don’t see that in myself.

Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. On the inside, I’m a mess. My heart’s torn to pieces, my mind thinks and says horrible things. Nobody realizes how much pain a person can be in, or how hard it is to “just let go” or “let loose” especially when you’ve gone through so much shit and carried it around with you for so long.

When somebody stops talking to you for a long time, you begin to have trust issues and you start to slowly push your close ones away. You slowly start to forget who you are. You try to remember things about those people, but when you can’t you start making things up in your mind and then you can’t filter reality from imagination anymore and those people aren’t there to help you remember the truth. You start to lose yourself and believe that nobody can help. You start to confide in yourself and only yourself. You slowly recede from all relationships that depend on trust. You slowly start to become the loner that you were always told you were. You start to believe that you are nothing. Nothing important. Nothing to be missed. Nothing that anybody cared about.

Then comes the suicidal stage where you start believing that you are nothing so much that if you were gone, nobody would truly care. Nobody would wonder what they could’ve done differently. And now those you loved and cared for but pushed away are the nobody and the nothing in the relationship and you don’t have to worry about what will happen when you’re gone because nobody was connected to you anymore. You don’t have to care, because your heart is now as cold as stone. You’re just a zombie in this world of humans. A heartless being in a world of love.

Dreams

Now the tears that come are streaming

should really hope that I am dreaming.

This life I dream to leave behind

and delete the memories in my mind.

All these unknown emotions inside

causing a great commotion, making me run and hide.

These feelings I am scared of showing.

My spirit still is ever growing.

Shoes

    She stood there in a white dress that went straight from her sides to the floor and accentuated her curves. Her blonde layers curled to perfection and pinned up to expose the soft iridescent pearls about her neck, bringing attention to her collar bones and breast as did the sweetheart neckline of the pure white fabric of her dress. She looked at the crowd of people surrounding her, but didn't move for fear of snagging the beautiful article of clothing on the grabby hands of her friends-turned-audience. Moving a foot in any direction could cause a tear formed by ragged fingernails that tried to grip her away from the spotlight. As she stood, listening to their demeaning thoughts and hurtful criticisms, the bright smile that had once graced her face turned grim, the corners of her eyes turned down and her posture slackened. The demons she had once known as friends, who would build her up and support her, had destroyed her and as soon as they realized that there was nothing left to destroy, they left.
    When she could no longer hear the voices of those she had once cared for, she slowly but surely started to build herself up again. She changed out of her white fluttery dress and into a red midi-length skater dress with a red leather jacket over the ensemble. The blonde hair was dyed brunette and milk chocolatey, then trimmed into a bob. She stood up again. As she stood, people slowly began to gather around her and gradually became friends with her. They supported her in everything she did and told her how great she looked and what an amazing person she was. One day, someone said she should change the way she looked, that it didn't look good anymore. This led to a trend of her other so-called friends agreeing and adding onto the list of things that were wrong with her. She listened to these demeaning thoughts and hurtful criticisms until once again she had been slowly destroyed by them.
    This time, when she got back up, she changed into black torn-up shorts, a shredded black tee and a black motorcycle jacket. She cut her hair into a pixie cut and dyed it black. She threw on some beat up converse and walked away from the place that had broken her down so much, not paying any attention to those who may pretend to be her friends again.
   She finally realized that she didn't have to stand there and take all the things that had hurt her in the past; she could have laced on a pair of shoes and walked away. The shoes had been there the whole time and could have helped her but were only able to when she allowed them to assist her on her journey.

Protector

The warmth of his heart
surrounding me like rays from the sun
like a warm winter jacket
protecting me from the cold outside world

Like the wings of a fluttering butterfly
he covers and protects my life
from the evil clutches of Satan
and he is there to protect me
because he is all mine