I look around and see all these beautiful people and I feel
like they’re all perfect, even those who’ve made me mad or hurt me. Then when I
look in the mirror or look at photos of myself, I just… I don’t know. I want to
rips myself apart. Replace my hair, reduce my legs and belly and arms.
Photoshop my face so there’s not so much acne. No matter how many times I hear
somebody tell me “you’re so pretty” or “you’re so beautiful,” I won’t believe
it because I don’t see that in myself.
Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
On the inside, I’m a mess. My heart’s torn to pieces, my mind thinks and says
horrible things. Nobody realizes how much pain a person can be in, or how hard
it is to “just let go” or “let loose” especially when you’ve gone through so
much shit and carried it around with you for so long.
When somebody stops talking to you for a long time, you
begin to have trust issues and you start to slowly push your close ones away.
You slowly start to forget who you are. You try to remember things about those
people, but when you can’t you start making things up in your mind and then you
can’t filter reality from imagination anymore and those people aren’t there to
help you remember the truth. You start to lose yourself and believe that nobody
can help. You start to confide in yourself and only yourself. You slowly recede
from all relationships that depend on trust. You slowly start to become the
loner that you were always told you were. You start to believe that you are
nothing. Nothing important. Nothing to be missed. Nothing that anybody cared
about.
Then comes the suicidal stage where you start
believing that you are nothing so much that if you were gone, nobody would
truly care. Nobody would wonder what they could’ve done differently. And now
those you loved and cared for but pushed away are the nobody and the nothing in
the relationship and you don’t have to worry about what will happen when you’re
gone because nobody was connected to you anymore. You don’t have to care,
because your heart is now as cold as stone. You’re just a zombie in this world
of humans. A heartless being in a world of love.