Gone

I look around and see all these beautiful people and I feel like they’re all perfect, even those who’ve made me mad or hurt me. Then when I look in the mirror or look at photos of myself, I just… I don’t know. I want to rips myself apart. Replace my hair, reduce my legs and belly and arms. Photoshop my face so there’s not so much acne. No matter how many times I hear somebody tell me “you’re so pretty” or “you’re so beautiful,” I won’t believe it because I don’t see that in myself.

Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. On the inside, I’m a mess. My heart’s torn to pieces, my mind thinks and says horrible things. Nobody realizes how much pain a person can be in, or how hard it is to “just let go” or “let loose” especially when you’ve gone through so much shit and carried it around with you for so long.

When somebody stops talking to you for a long time, you begin to have trust issues and you start to slowly push your close ones away. You slowly start to forget who you are. You try to remember things about those people, but when you can’t you start making things up in your mind and then you can’t filter reality from imagination anymore and those people aren’t there to help you remember the truth. You start to lose yourself and believe that nobody can help. You start to confide in yourself and only yourself. You slowly recede from all relationships that depend on trust. You slowly start to become the loner that you were always told you were. You start to believe that you are nothing. Nothing important. Nothing to be missed. Nothing that anybody cared about.

Then comes the suicidal stage where you start believing that you are nothing so much that if you were gone, nobody would truly care. Nobody would wonder what they could’ve done differently. And now those you loved and cared for but pushed away are the nobody and the nothing in the relationship and you don’t have to worry about what will happen when you’re gone because nobody was connected to you anymore. You don’t have to care, because your heart is now as cold as stone. You’re just a zombie in this world of humans. A heartless being in a world of love.